I Hope You’re Somewhere Praying

       (One year since the publishing of You Will Not Win)

     People always ask me “If you could change what’s happened to you, would you take it all back and redo?” And in all honesty, I have a lot of difficulty with an answer for that question.

Well, you almost had me fooled. Told me that I was nothing without you.

     It’s been hard not having my dad. I used to see fathers with their little girls, hand-in-hand in the street and go cry for 30 minutes in my car. Sometimes, I still do. It isn’t easy. I didn’t have him to teach me how to change a flat tire, and I will never have the father/daughter relationships you see on TV. I see baby pictures of us or hear stories from my birth and just want to cry. My friends have their fathers on Father’s Day, and for me it is the saddest day on earth. It is hard sometimes to not be wanted by someone who is supposed to want you.

      No child deserves to be abused in any form, whether it be physical or verbal. I wish I could have hugged my father, or felt like he loved me back. I wish I had that.

..and after everything you’ve done, I can thank you for how strong I have become 

     But, I don’t think I would be the same person I am right now had I not been through the abuse situation with my father. It has changed me in so many ways, I don’t even know how to count them. Through this experience of sharing my story, I have encountered many people, who I would not have had the opportunity to meet had this not have happened. 

(I was obviously not doing too well. 2015)

     While I had a lack of a father, I was raised on the idea that I don’t need a man to survive. My mother and my aunt were always around, and they are two of the strongest women I know in this world. Sometimes, when there are bugs or car trouble, we may buffer out for a moment, but we always figure it out.

     I am a stronger person because of everything that has happened in my life.

     So no, to answer that question, I don’t think I would take anything back for one second. 

     The healing process over the past year hasn’t been easy. There have been bumps and scrapes and stalls, even points where I thought I didn’t want to go on any longer. 

Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell. I had to learn how to fight for myself. And we both know all the truth I could tell. I’ll just say this is I wish you farewell.

      In my original post of You Will Not Win, http://taylorenicholl.com/2016/06/16/you-will-not-win/ this poem was supposed to be included, but at the time I felt too vulnerable to post it. I’d like to share it with you now because I feel it is important.

    Blue collars and

     Strong cologne.

     I skip to the door as you arrive home. 

     And you smile.

     And we laugh.

     And you love me.

     Blue collars and

     Strong cologne

     You say I’m in trouble through the telephone.

     And you’re mad.

     And I cry.

     And you spank me.

     Blue collars and

     Strong cologne

     I stay up crying into my pillow

     And you sleep.

     And I sleep.

     And I still love you.

     Blue collars and

     Strong cologne

      It’s 5 years later and I’m home alone

     And you’re drunk

    And I’m scared

    And I’m lonely.

     Blue collars and

     Strong cologne 

     You’re bringing home girls that I don’t know

    And you kiss

    And I think

    And you don’t know.

     Blue collars and

     Strong cologne 

      You’re in a fit since I was on my cell phone

     And you’re red

     And I’m bleeding

     And I don’t know if you love me.

     Blue collars and

     Strong cologne

     I’m the one drunk and you don’t know.

     And you’re always mad

     And I’m always sad.

     And you don’t care.

     Blue collars and

     Strong cologne

      I’ve gone too many bruises to hold

     And your knuckles

     And my shoulder

    And my heart.

  

     Blue collars and

     Strong cologne

     I’m finally free of your cruel chokehold

     And I finally know

     That the truth was

      You never

       Loved me.

     Child abuse affects more than people tend to realize. It isn’t just physical scars left on you. Scabs heal and bruises fade away, but what we are left with is calluses on our heart and injuries to our brains that stay for a lifetime. 

     I am forever changed, forever healing. As much as I have tried to convince myself otherwise, I will always be healing. There will always be pieces of my puzzle that need to be reinforced, or parts that are missing. I could spend all of this time filled with anger towards my father for the way I am, but I have come to the conclusion that I can’t change it. When I’m scared of men, or I flinch with loud noises, I must be patient with myself.

 (These people are very important to me.❤)

    We can sit around all day and play What If with our lives. What if we chose this path instead? What if it worked out the other way? What if we hadn’t experienced this? 

     At the end of the day, I am me. And even if I wasn’t enough for him, I’m going to be enough for me, no matter what. Anyone else who comes along can either take it or leave it.

I hope you’re somewhere praying, praying.

I hope your soul is changing, changing.

     I refuse to be bitter, I will only be better. I won’t be defined by the demons of my past, despite how dark and twisty they may be. 

Sometimes I pray for you at night.

Some day maybe you’ll see the light.

Some say you’re gonna get what you give…

     I won’t spend my time on earth hating what used to be. 

    The past year since I published You Will Not Win has been an eye opener for sure. I have too many people to thank to put in this blog, so if you’re reading this and you need to be thanked, thank you ❤

     It’s been 2 years since I left my dad’s house, and it is only now that I am starting to feel truly free. 

     

    …but some things only God can forgive.

     Until next time,
     Tay❤
This song means everything to me:

Praying by Kesha

https://youtu.be/v-Dur3uXXCQ